Losing Yourself

It’s just a rock.

I looked up at the piles and piles of rocks surrounding a solitary cross on a gloomy, foggy morning. It felt heavy. It was like I was carrying every single one of those stones in my pack, but in reality I held one small stone in my hand. A symbol of surrender. I’m a feeler and every single rock held a meaning, a weight that clung in the air. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there watching as people one by one walked up that hill and then walked down with somber eyes. You would think letting go of the extra weight would be relieving, but in reality we all have to mourn what we let go of, even if the thing we are letting go of caused us more pain than good. We have to lose parts of ourselves to find who we truly are; children of God. The rocks have no true power, they’re just a symbol. It’s just a symbol.

So I walked up that hill, fully surrendered, fully known, fully loved, but I let go of my little rock. That little rock had many things written on it, my family, my future, my worth, all things I have surrendered to God over and over. But this time it felt different. I didn’t want to let it go. I thought I could save my family.  I thought I could determine my future. I thought I wasn’t worthy. I guess it was freeing, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. It hurt a lot.

I started to walk around, reading other rocks on that pile. One read “Are You Proud?” that one hurt. Another had the flag of Colorado, a place I love and call home. Others had names; names of family members, friends, loved ones, enemies, those we’ve lost and those we’ve chosen to let go. I watched as an older man placed three rocks down with tears in his eyes, I could only imagine how hard that was for him. I watched as a mother and her son put down two little stone hearts. The son embraced his mom as tears streamed down both their faces. It hurts letting go, but it is something we all have to do. It’s a choice, let go or hold on and let it weigh you down. 

Slowly we walked past the cross, it’s peak faded in the distance, along with my little stone. The air still felt heavy and it began to rain, pour. It wasn’t long before all of us were drenched as we started hiking up the peaks in front of us. We had a long trek in front of us. But slowly the clouds started to reveal the sun behind them, and we walked into a clearing. For the first time since we started walking we saw the mountains surrounding us. Freedom. The fog was gone, the heaviness shifted and I envisioned the vastness of God’s love being the mountains surrounding us. This wasn’t the end of our trek, we continued to walk for another 10 miles, but slowly, just like in life, the atmosphere shifted, the heaviness lifted, the light began to shine on our faces again like the sweetness of the Father’s embrace.

 We strip the heavy, dirty, messy parts of ourselves away to make room for the wholeness and tender, sweet love of God. We lose pieces of ourselves, but in it we find beauty.