A Letter
The other day my teammate Elyssa challenged us to sit down and write a letter to our future children. It made me process and think about this trip through a new lens. I’ve always desired to be a mom and so writing having my children in mind was a tender thing. So I thought I would share this letter with all of you, it’s not perfect but it came straight from my heart and hopefully someday I can read it out loud to my kids.
August 31st, 2024 I got on a one way flight with Auntie Tay Tay to Atlanta, Georgia. Fresh out of high school all I truly knew was home. But oh how much I still had to learn. I knew I’d fail, so I dove all in. First two weeks I cried and sought the Lord’s face openly. Afterwards I booked a flight (actually it was not booked by me) to Barcelona with what would be my family for the next three months, a fifteen pound pack of all my belongings, and my camera. From the Camino de Santiago to Vitoria Spain to Albania, I failed over and over. Now we have one more week and I look back, disappointed. I feel like Peter, I jumped into that stormy water, walking straight to Jesus, but then I looked around and forgot who my God is. The flight into Greece was one of the hardest moments I’d experienced in my life. Full of fear I called my mom right as the plane landed, the call I received made my heart spin, my world fog. I felt sick. I had lost someone I truly loved to something I feared more than words could comprehend. After that moment I lived in a fog, but still served, still studied, still loved, still lived, all while my stomach still turned with disbelief. If I could go back I’d give myself more grace to be human, to fail. I feel like I failed myself but I was the strongest I’d ever been. Life is broken, the world is dark, it’s okay to wrestle, it’s okay to break. If I could give you any advice as someone who lived it all and still messed up, it would be to not take yourself so seriously, to fail because you went all in, not because you were weak. Don’t stress about money, don’t build walls, feel emotions; they’re a gift. Your body will change, don’t tear it apart. Eat the food without guilt, you are your biggest critic. You will feel bloated and maybe throw up thirteen times, doesn’t mean you failed your body. Don’t let tiredness stop you from doing things you may never have the chance to do again. Scuba dive even though you can’t swim. Eat chocolate croissants even though you don’t really like them. Visit castles and cathedrals even if you injured your knee and can barely walk and don’t know anything about history. Play soccer even if you just get laughed at by boys half your age. Let others serve you. Let people fail you so you learn how to fail yourself. I guess there are a million things I could tell you to do and not do, but in the end, just learn how to be. Be with God. This will take your whole life to grasp, but it’s so simple. I learned to be; be broken, be weak, be angry, be sad. In moments where I had to hold back tears because I couldn’t escape my own mind I just imagined the embrace of my Heavenly Father. He held me so tight even when I turned my back from Him. But I got to be with Him through it all. Don’t take yourself so seriously, learn to fail, and just be with the God of the universe, it’s the greatest, most precious gift. I love you all and am praying for you all in these moments.
Mom <3
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